Mom and Existence

The Nature of Wondering

I lost my Mom a few days ago and there is nothing like a funeral to cause one to become pensive and begin wondering about how people and memories persist in living far past one's lifetime. Memory is a curious thing. I have read some material and watched some interviews with neuroscientists that dealt with the nature of memory and from what I can glean from those it seems that memory is more ephemeral than even I thought. When it is considered that these lifetimes of memory are stored in a chunk of biological material weighing about 3 pounds the concept of memory itself seems ludicrous. Those memories are stored in some fashion at a cellular level and are accessed by a code that consists of enzymes and minute electrical charges that in some way bring that memory to the forefront.

A computer is easier to comprehend. Memory is stored in bits of code on a disc or more recently, on a pc chip. When that memory is desired you have to have a key that opens the code that is the pathway to that memory and then the disc begins spinning and the appropriate program follows that pathway to the memory itself. Long term memory is stored on a hard drive but short term requirements are handled by Random Access Memory. Seems the brain does sort of the same thing but with a much larger capacity. The true wonder is that memory is stored in a biological system and that system interacts in a fascinating way to influence our decisions and emotions which may be governed by other biological systems.

In the mid 1600s Rene Descartes famously asserted, “I think, therefore I am.” It was the result of his thinking of the nature of existence and wondering how one could definitively know that existence was real and not some dreamlike state. The brain and its wonderful mechanics are at the center of this realization.

Another friend of mine recently wondered about the nature of relationships and how they influence lives in many ways not the least of which is the remaining influence of those relationships after physical connection is severed. No longer does that person influence your life in a way that you can sense with the physical senses but that person may still have enormous influence over your life in the ways you react to others and yourself. In that sense is that person gone or does he or she still exist in some fashion if one follows Descartes?

So, I was thinking about Mom and her influence on my life. Does it continue? Of course it does. When I think about Mom is there something else that seems to be competing for her space in my mind. Not yet, it seems she has a space of her own. It seems the same with the friends I have lost. Their existence is clear in my mind and they have spaces of their own not infringed upon by others.

With a computer it is understood that space for memory is finite and can be deleted or made available for overwriting by deleting the code for the pathway. It is not certain but one could assume that our brains have a finite capacity although I don't know if anyone has tried to find it. We have found that through the use of some chemicals we can either weaken or strengthen the pathway to that memory so that its influence is diminished or emphasized.

In the nearness of Mom's leaving us we still find ourselves tied to responses we developed during our time as caregivers. We will think about time for meds, what to prepare for breakfast or dinner or maybe just try to find outlets for her curiosity and not to just relegate her to the care of the television. Those impulses are still with us but I suppose they will fade. Perhaps they are stored in short term memory. However, I expect long term memory to go on. Mom's last few years were proof of that.

So, in any real sense, are those past experiences and people really gone. They certainly exist in our minds. We can recall emotions, smell and recall what something looked like but, even though we are sure, we can't be certain that is really the way it was. But Descartes' statement asserts that the realization of self is its own proof and if that is the case can a person's existence persist past physical life?

I am certain that my understanding of Descartes' dictum and its implications are minimal at best but still fodder for wonderment. I think that it is at this point that many of us turn to our faith to tie it all together, to make out of the uncertainty a bit of certainty. The ability of our faith to promise reunion and answers to the questions guides us to acceptance and, eventually, peace.

My take is that I am comforted by my faith. When the desperate wandering of my mind causes mental weariness I can take refuge in knowing that, even though I don't understand how, it will all turn out okay. Some may call it mental laziness others may say it is illogical. I say it is comforting.